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| So today is my birthday. Yay right? It should be instead I really feel like crap. Two years ago today is the first time I saw my uncle Matt in the coffin. Two years ago my life changed drastically. Bc the days that followed were the days that really tore my up. That is when I found out Nick was married and had a baby girl. Seriously something I never thought I would have to go through. And it really felt like a lifetime movie. It sucked hard. and I don't think I ever got over it. I really did love him and it sucked.... but i guess it was what it was.  But I am not sad bc of Nick. I am sad bc I really thought Raven H. would have tried to make today special for me. You know make an attempt to spend some time with me. But I guess we may do that tonight? Who knows. He got stoned and is now going to play basketball. He said he would call me back. But he kept telling me that I should call a friend to come over or something. I kept telling him I wanted to spend time with him but he kept saying I should get out of the house or whatever... Really, I wanted to spend my birthday with him. Even if it was just on the phone. but whatever. today is just any other day. it's nothing special. nothing nice. nothing more. nothing better then just the 28th of february. whatever... Nick even forgot my birthday. that's great. He's of course going to have an excuse for it. he claims to love me but I really am starting to get the feeling he doesn't. He just told me that today was some day in feb and wed. so trying to make it seem like he doesn't know what the date was. But Im sure no matter how busy he was he would remember his wife's bday. i guess I really do know where I stand in his life.. So Yeah today is going horrible. Just like I expected. in fact in me expecting more, I failed myself. *edit* haha, I just brought it up to Nick and he said "ummm yeah I didnt want to make it that obvious that I wanted to call you on the phone and tell you. but anyways, Happy birthday love. Feliz cumple anos" and when I told him yeah. sure. Thanks anyways. He said fine. w/e don't believe me. I said "okay, I wont" and now he said "I love you" and I said "thank you." Really it's 240PM and you're telling me you were going to call but I haven't heard from you all fucking day?! I used to believe him when he said things like that. Now I know better. You know two years ago he told me he sent me and email but it's funny that his is the only email I didnt get. yeah Im sure he sent it. except i know he didnt. He forgot and he's trying to try to cover his ass by saying something like that. I am not stupid. And technically I was just born today but I am not retarded. I really am done playing a fool. I will not feel bad for calling him out on it or by saying things that I feel. Not anymore. I used to be so afraid to lose him so I would keep my mouth shut. Now I realize, you really CANNOT lose what you NEVER had. and I know now that I NEVER had him.... oh whatever... I can sit here and say I don't care, but I do. I fucking care a lot. but whatever.. I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here
sad, broken, torn, really just not feeling good
Elisa. | | |
| had to come into hiding bc of the topic at hand. So I am still in love with Raven H. He's great but he really can be an sometimes. But I have decided what I am going to do. I am not going to get mad just bc he has to get off the phone and be with the people he gets see all the fucking time. I wont get upset when he cant remember things bc he was drunk/high/or falling asleep. I will just let it all go. he says that I put us in a complicated situation. then of course changed it and said that we both did it. fine whatever. he also said to realize all that and calm the fuck down. i will. From now on I will keep things in. He can guess that I am upset or whatever. But from now on I will keep my voice the same way as it was before. I am not going to be this weak little person. I am going to be strong and I will do what it takes.. fuck everything else. fuck it all. I will not sit here and cry. He even kept saying things like were always on the phone and I know that but like dont throw that in my face like you dont like talking to me too.. But you know what. Fine. No more asking him to call me in the morning bc I know that in the after noon he is busy. no more calling more then once at night. If he wants to talk he can call. In fact Im done calling I will not call him anymore. Unless I have a missed call. Then I will return the call. I will not text him or IM him or anything. Im really just going to let him come to me whenever he has time and is ready to talk and have an actual conversation with me. And we will talk about whatever he wants to talk about. I will not bring anything up. This right here right now will not happen again. I will not shed another tear. I will not bring up him wanting to be more then just friends again. I will not bring up wanting to spend my life with him. he says that this is the year for him to think about things and such so I will let him do that. I just wish that he would stop telling me that he loves me and he wants me there and that I am the one that he's been waiting for. Because really he just keeps changing his fucking mind. and we talked about that and im supposed to accept that. so I guess I will... so come this weekend we wotn talk.. I am done. He really did change. and I still love him but I cant do this. he told me he was sorry that he didnt have patience anymore.. oh well.. fuck this shit im done.. | | |
| So most of you know that I am married. What you may have not known is that I still technically had a boyfriend. At least that's what we had said a few nights back. But all that changed last night. oh yes, Thomas officially ended things.. After 1 year 5 months *second longest relationship EVER* And to add to it he called me a retard. *Of course this was after I told him that I didn't like my friends but hung out with them bc they are funny. So I can understand... but still..* AND he agreed that I should get rid of kitty.. pfft MEANASS! Well anyways we were talking and around 4am he changed his mind and said that technically we had broken up when he had walked away from me a year ago. Again changing his mind and contradicting himself. UGG MEANASS. Anyways yes, I am saddened.... ps... This is me:  oh yes, EMO E-LISA this is him:  *told you I would edit this..* Anywhore this entry is done. Told you I'd do it | | |
| okay so my space is being a bitch so here i am writting in a long forgotten journal. so the reason for this is to let out a bit of frustration. or more so sadness... lets just say i saw something i shouldnt have. or more so didnt think I would see.. leave it to me to actually see the unwanted. but that is my luck right? its funny... why do people try to make it seem like what used to be really wasnt as good as it once was?! you know what fuckit!  ******sigh******* the one person that needs to know this probably never will... fuckit. its best left that way.. anywhore.. gotta go. </3
elisa
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| hrm dont have much to say.. life has changed a lot... and its been good. finally... dont want to jinx it so i wont say anything except thank you so much for being who you are and being there for me always... You mean more to me then words could ever explain.. In such a short time you have become a part of my life in a way I wasnt sure was possible.. so thank you for the patience and the support.<3
-*- Elisa -*- | | |
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